Friday, February 18, 2005


I believe it was Tertia who coined the term DBTs (dead baby thoughts). She suffered from them quite a bit, and many other pregnant infertiles joined the ranks. I must admit that I am there, too. One of the most glorious things that I have experienced thus far in my life is feeling the little kicks I get from the babe within. And one of the most horrifying things is when I think that it's been too long since I've felt a kick, or the kick I felt wasn't very strong, and so on. The building up to the DBTs.

Part of me says that it is completely normal to have these fears. I look back at other blog entries and think- see, they had the DBTs, too. I feel comforted for just a moment until another part of my conscious chimes in with but what if it was ok for them and NOT for you? Then you're just ignoring some critical warning signs. The back and forth is enough to drive me mad. And when I just get to the verge of calling the doctor with my concerns on having not felt much movement in a given day or two, the wee one will go full throttle into kicking, making me feel like a fool. And making me smile ear to ear at the same time.

I wish so much that I could just be of the naive group- those who assume without question that their pregnancy will be compeletely carefree. That they will never have reason to worry. That would be nice. But that part of me died after going through so much negative and so much gone wrong with infertility. My body wasn't working properly then, why the hell would it work properly now?

I must seem very detatched from this pregnancy to outside observers. The scary truth is that I am so attached that I fear the destruction of me if anything were to go wrong. I've been lucky, blessed, charmed, whatever term you choose- I have had a relatively uneventful pregnancy. I feel healthier than I ever have before. My aches and pains are minimal. I should be shouting praises from the hilltops- instead I cower in the valley caves and hope that I can just wait this thing out a little while longer.

Only 14.5 weeks to go- I can make that with my sanity intact, right?

1 comment:

Angela said...

I don't know what I could say that will make you feel less anxious. Just know that there are lots of people (including me) thinking many good thoughts for you, your baby, and your sanity. :) Hang in there.