Pessimistic Pollyanna

Note: this post was written yesterday and was to be posted then but stoopid Blogger (use Homer Simpson voice for full effect) was down.

I have an appointment this afternoon with my RE. I have been all over the board on how we will arrive at a two-child family, and I suppose this is one of our options. I have not talked about it much with anyone because, honestly, I'm not quite sure how to feel. When we approached IVF the first time, I was convinced that it would not work. I guess not so convinced that I skipped it entirely, but given that our insurance pays for it (don't hate me), and we were already working with an adoption group (with whom we still spend time), it seemed like a very low risk opportunity. Well, in the grand scheme...

Long story short, the first round worked. Singleton pregnancy. Live birth. What more could a girl ask for?

Forward to now when we would like to have plans in the works for a sibling to arrive in, oh, another year or so. At first I gave a resounding "no" to the idea of IVF again. Too much emotional baggage. Then, I kept thinking about it and decided that perhaps I could give it another try after all. On the off chance that I didn't change my mind, I scheduled the consult with the RE to get the ball rolling.

And now I am not quite sure how I feel. Am I excited? Well, sure, the chance at parenting another kid is very exciting. Am I scared? You betcha. The stim procedure barely worked last time and I'm two years older right now. And I'm 35 now, making me of "advanced maternal age." And I am guaranteed a C-section (you know, if everything else goes well) because of the dramatic level of tearing I experienced last time. (I am not the same person, and I probably never will be, and that's all the detail you want- trust me). And part of me is convinced that the only reason it worked last time is that I was convinced that it would not work. So what do I do this time? Knowing that it could work should mess up the "won't work at all" philosophy. Which should mean that it won't work. Which would then mean that I am convinced that it won't work. Which, by my previous logic, should mean that it will work. But knowing that it will work should make it not work. Oh, you get the idea...I'm going in circles here.

I'll let you know what the RE says.